jay_walk

Today: rowing trip, college application (open form, start filling out, do looking at which colleges I like or making appointments with counsellors or essay writing as necessary).
And that is entirely enough for today.
But no, I have to be such a self-loathing perfectionist that I think I'm failing at life whenever I don't finish twenty books a week, post deep world-changing insights daily, win at running and fencing and rowing four times a week, never not be best in school, write awesome fiction, and meet new people all the time. I am making my own life awful by constantly thinking there's so much I ought to be doing right now.

Ought not to be much of a problem.
With the exception of when it's in bread or pancakes or whatever where I can't taste it. (Because every time I do, I remember it comes from cows, and I do not like the breeding and keeping of cows, and it doesn't at all taste nice enough to justify that, in fact it tastes rather oddly organic and fatty. But yeah I don't particularly have moral convictions, just disgust, so I'm not going to be too strict with it)
I only needed milk for coffee and tea, but I drink tons of both.
No more milk in my coffee -> coffee doesn't taste nice -> I am less likely to kill myself with caffeine overdose while having nothing better to do than drink coffee all day.
No more milk in my tea: not really a problem, it tastes way better with soy milk and perfectly nice without anything.
And cereal I suppose. That works nicely with soy mild too.
Never liked yoghurt or cheese.

Also: currently at chapter 56 of 80 of that book. Never mind about it being easy and quick.

And whenever I try to mention something considered intellectual I feel like I'm being pretentious and arrogant. Even though whenever I do I add the disclaimer that I actually have no clue what I'm talking about.
And maybe the reason I write about so many different things is that outside of anything that's "my field" it's excusable that I don't actually know anything.
Wikipedia informs me that this is called impostor syndrome. That's great, how do I get rid of it?

All I think about my grades too is that my teachers must like me... because I'm not as awful and disruptive as some other people? (Except in sport, this one I truly do deserve worse, I skipped half the time).
That I keep informing everyone how I'm stupid and inept and totally walk into trees all the time does not help with talking to people, of course there's no good way to reply to that.

Just because I remembered about 5 different people ( therapists, psychologists, endocrinologists) have told me to just take some birth control if I want to feel better. WTF? And I'm sitting there wanting to say "... you know what's in that, right?" Seriously, what the fuck. That is absolutely sick. This from those psychologists who claim to be experts on transsexuality (who have actually been the least helpful and most wrong people I've ever met). ( Read more... )

My awesome organization skills: I ought to be somewhere (I don't know where) at 2 for some type of gettogether. Really I don't know how I managed to go to prom and graduation.

This summer (1st July- 21 August) :

important stuff-

Week 0 (now):
- sort out this mess in my room
- pick up yearbook (find receipt, now.)

Week 1
-choose 5 colleges to apply to, find out what tests to take etc
-find out if/when/where/how I can go to lectures at these universities here

Week 2
- write applications
- register for tests

Week 3
-write applications

Week 4
-write applications

Week 5
-edit applications, give to people to proofread

Week 6
-edit applications

Week 7
- find topic to present about
- get school supplies

(then : send applications)


less vital stuff:

- write stuff
- try not to forget not to seem dead on facebook
- read all that stuff I haven't finished!
- read sciency things
- watch movies I want to watch
- write fiction (magical realism with (imaginary) cyborgness, how about that?)
- write fanfiction
- learn principles of Japanese, Klingon

acquire:
- not more books, for now
- headphones
- more music